Apologies in advance for the novel. I'm a bit conflicted.

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, and have areas of bone erosion and joints where there is no cartilage left- it is bone on bone. The pain is constant and it is increasing. I am taking tramadol and a ton of ibuprofen for pain, but they really don't help a lot. I have tried a number of other meds for pain but the tramadol and ibuprofen are the best so far (and they aren't much help). I am a mother raising a large family, and trying to work part time. I am only 50, so it is hard now and will get harder, I imagine, to keep doing what I need to with the pain.

I have 2 problems. I am a recovering alcoholic and went 15 years without drinking, but a couple of years ago I went on a medication for my RA that made me really depressed and suicidal, and I relapsed. I had some trouble with alcohol after that for the next several months until I was able to stay sober again. I am almost a year sober now, but my husband doesn't trust me because of my relapses. I understand it, I was not honest with him during those relapses, so he never knows if I am being truthful. He is scared to death of me taking opioids, and I also don't love the idea, because of my problem with alcohol, but my RA pain is so bad that it is making it hard to not take something - chronic pain is so crushingly relentless. But after tramadol, the next step feels like scary opioids.

My other issue is I have red hair and I have heard this is the case for redheads- I require a lot and I mean a LOT more medicine in many cases in order for it to have the same effect that other people have. The dentist is always shocked at how much novocaine he has to use, etc... Maybe it is also related to the alcoholism? I don't know, but it seems like I metabolize meds very quickly or something. Again, this makes me seem like I am drug seeking when I need more and more, but it really is true for me - even with meds that would never be abused (yo hook me up with some of that novocaine dude!)... But I feel like such a junkie when I need more than normal people.

I tried CBD oil and didn't feel any difference at all, and my older kids keep wanting me to try weed but I feel weird about it, it's not legal where I live, and my husband will think I am going back to substance abuse....

Is Kratom a good option for me? I can't find it locally, I already tried, so how do I order it (how do I know who is legit/best types, etc)? If I order it online am I then going to be on a list and start getting crazy stuff or will it look like I am a drug seeker? Please help a 50yo housewife with chronic pain and (understandably) suspicious husband figure out what to do! I am so exhausted and frustrated by the constant pain, and I'm having a hard time maintaining a positive outlook in front of my family, which is the most important thing to me.

Thank you!

(also, I made a new account to be anonymous.. but looking back at this, if anyone who knows me reads it, I will be totally obvious. Derp. But hopefully it will be swallowed up by the magnitude of reddit posts)

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